Twenty years of being hypothyroid certainly left me in a place that felt, most often times, like a hypnotic trance.
I was there, but not really there. Often referred to as the 'mind fog' this one symptom is extremely common amongst hypothyroid sufferers. Directly after my recovery, this one symptom alone was responsible for me feeling like I had 'lost' a greater part of my life - specifically the twenty years following having my first child!
Not all of them, obviously, but the 'golden' parts - the special moments.
Even now, I have a long list of vacant spaces where memories of special events should be...
These are the years we know and are repeatedly told that we should cherish - they are fundamental in our sense of who we are, at the core of our self and our purpose in life! When we have children, a greater part of us becomes one with the identity of being a 'mother' - it becomes an additional part to who we are, or how we see ourself.
"How could I be a mother?" I would find myself repeatedly questioning myself.
A mother who deeply and completely loved her children, and yet seemed to forget from one moment to the next what was going on during their day to day lives. It was very difficult to stop myself from disliking myself at those times!
How could I forget the simple things that showed how much I cared so easily?
Yet there it was - despite the amount of love I had for my children, I was still forgetful and semi-present during much of their childhood. I am grateful that they do not remember it this way - my daughter, now 20, does not remember her childhood this way!
Thankfully, it seems, by a matter of grace, that the loving field of the heart extends to those we truly care about even when the mind is not 'playing ball'! But self acceptance of this non-present vagueness was much harder! One experience after another of forgetfulness soon built into a catalogue of self-disdain.
This place of personal judgment, I know by hard experience, is a tough place to be: a young mum, diagnosed with a disorder that is considered so low key that most people do not even know what it is, let alone understand it, or the effects that it has on the life of the person. It can feel overwhelming, isolating - and in addition, the relentless onslaught of symptoms can lead to thoughts or aspects of ourselves that we do not want to easily share - making the isolation all the more compelling! There are certainly more groups and avenues to find help and support these days, compared with twenty years ago - google is great!!
Still however, I think it is common amongst those with hypothyroid disorders to feel isolated and abandoned.
It is never easy to admit how much of a struggle normal day to day activities are! Particularly when it is an ongoing situation that occurs day after day - as we know, or assume that even the best and most willing friends do not want to hear our repeated difficulties.
So we might find ourselves worrying about how other people will judge us - how society thinks we are 'exaggerating' or simply complaining because we are lazy. Piece by piece we have to find ways of dealing with our situation, our condition, in a way that we hope 'least offends' others. Piece by piece we retreat into a quiet place of submission - a sort of acceptance - a 'freeze'! It can be a cold blue place when you feel alone! If I could say one thing to a persona who recognises themselves in this image, it would be "Be Kind to yourself"!
For twenty years I was in and out of this place of existence - but thankfully I did find an answer! Not in tablets or supplements or diets (although I have implemented and used all of these to help improve my condition and relieve symptoms), but in the profound experience of Energy Medicine!
Yes I did say Energy Medicine!!! Before you turn and run, screaming into the hills - I would urge you to consider the possibility that your body knows what it is doing. That it is responding perfectly and intelligently to every situation it is experiencing and interpreting in your life. It was through fully accepting and understanding that my body was always operating on a level of love and healing - that I opened up to begin to love myself and my body. To recognise that it was always trying to find that place of 'balance', keeping me going until the time that I might find a deeper and more lasting solution to the stresses in my life that were creating this biological response in my body! Yes - It is also true that I did always believe that my body had the answer!
Even in the beginning, when I was told I would be on tablets "for life". I refused to accept that my body had just 'stopped working properly, or that it would always remain 'broken'...Through all the years, I continued to believe that my body knew how to heal!
I followed this belief throughout the following twenty years, pursuing various holistic and alternative remedies to help me. I saw my body's ability to heal itself to degrees, for example when I experienced improvements in my symptoms after regular reflexology sessions. However, I also saw that even if symptoms improved slightly for a time, my body would return to a stressed state again - the symptoms would return - such as the tiredness and the mental fog (amongst other things) and I would need another 'fix' of reflexology.
It helped - but it didn't heal whatever was at the 'core' of the problem.
Finding the root cause of my hypothyroidism through Meta Health was a revelation, and the beginning of a journey that led me back to where I am now...
Meta Health, an off-shoot of German New Medicine, is a root cause analysis that specifically looks at the symptoms of any disease and through analysis of the tissues involved can assess the likely theme of the stress that is keeping the body in constant stress-cycles, and therefore never allowing the body to find its natural state of balance.
After the last couple of years I am feeling happy to finally accept that I am Euthyroid - having been off of the thyroxine now for 12 months! Happy enough to share, to speak up and tell others that there is a light at the end of the long dark tunnel... there is a life after your hypothyroid disorder - a life of being hypothyroid free...